January 3, 2025

I'm completely lost. It's bizarre how time is passing so disproportionately while I keep getting sicker and sicker... it's like I'm just a spectator of my own downfall. This year, I'll finish high school, and I’m so confused about what comes next... I’ll have to study for entrance exams, find a job, completely change my life, and live in a way that’s so different from what I’m used to...

I never imagined I’d be thinking about having to “figure things out” just two years ago. Back then, I was way too miserable for that... The more time passes, the more I realize that I don’t know how to handle anything, and that really, no one cares or can help me with anything. Nothing in this sad life is easy, especially for someone who’s never had any opportunities. Besides that, I pretend to be something I’m not for other people...

Right now, I’m on vacation, and in a month, school will start again, and by then, I’ll have to figure out how to sort out this mess. My routine is chaotic. I’m reading a book I’ve already read about three times because I don’t have any other books to read. I’m not watching movies as often as I used to, and I spend most of my time online (which probably makes my anxiety worse), and I listen to a lot of music. I tried to start an online English course, but I don’t keep up with it very often. I also complain about time, about losing it.

I keep searching for answers, but they seem so far away. Some days I feel like I’m just going through the motions, waiting for something to change, but nothing ever does. It’s like I’m stuck in this waiting room, not sure if I’m meant to move forward or if I’m just waiting for a sign to guide me. It’s exhausting, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep pretending that everything is fine. I just want to find some peace, but I don’t even know where to start.

March 3, 2025

My God, I don’t know what to do. I’ve always had difficulty rehabilitating socially and handling all the emotions I feel, but lately, it’s been a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that I can’t control on my own. I torture myself over such trivial things, and everything is always so confusing. I wish I could live normally without worrying about so much. Sometimes, I feel like the only way I can move forward is by putting other concerns ahead...

I couldn’t do anything I said I would a few notes ago, but I’m trying to take it one day at a time. Sometimes, I feel like it’s not worth moving forward, but it’s the only choice I have. I wish I could stay in my comfort zone forever, but sooner or later, I’ll have to leave it. I hope things get better soon...